The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
