I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
