I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
