I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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