it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
now i know why i became what i already was.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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