he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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