Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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