Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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