Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
