So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Even the bartender felt bad for me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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