Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
