I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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