After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
