I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
