hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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