can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
