someone threw a dead crab at me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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