I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
