turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
