i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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