no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
