Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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