So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
