i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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