i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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