I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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