I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
