This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
