so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
