Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
