She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
