my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
