I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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