You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
