Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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