just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We just shotgunned beers for America
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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