Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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