Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It was a blind-side dick pic.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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