hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
