Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
