I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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