well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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