there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
