cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Randomize
