Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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