i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
