I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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