I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
