Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
