About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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