um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
