So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
