Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
